Friday, November 30, 2007
commissioning parade rehearsal began today after much hype about how tough, yet inspirational the old ssm was.
it wasn't exactly intolerable (ok, at least just for now) and the ssm was quite nice i thought (considering the comments given by earlier commissioning batches), but nevertheless, i still ended the day with a slight blister on my left heel because the 'click-clock' was a little too big for my tiny feet.
seeing so many of my friends receiving awards and taking up leadership positions in the school is quite a good and heartening sight. i think these people will go a long way in life.
let's just hope the same goes for me as well :)
disturbed you at 7:20 PM
Thursday, November 29, 2007
talking about racial harmony online in singapore can throw you into pretty deep trouble but i thought what happened was a clear show of how some chinese singaporeans have little regard for our friends from other races.
i don't see how difficult it is to pronounce "thanimay yalay payatha nadugal" (Munneru Valiba). ok it is not easy (seems like "chings" can't roll our tongues), but pronoucing this as "Kanineh yalay mai yi ge, na liang ge" (in chinese, @(#(!@ I buy one, but i take two) ) is some what way off.
i mean, just imagine yourself as the only chinese in a 'ang-moh' dominated society and being called 'chings' or assailed with other racially discriminating verbal abuses/jokes all day long. you won't feel good either right? i for one, will not be able to take it and i'll either start withdrawing from all social encounters, or, in a very likely scenario, flare up and retaliate with similar verbal abuses or physical assaults on these disrespectful bastards.
i admire our indian friends for being able to accept these racist jokes that have been circulating around their living environment all these while. some of them have even learnt to laugh along with the jokes (it's like, achieving enlightenment). so much for eschewing racial harmony in singapore. admittedly, i do agree that promoting racial harmony in singapore has achieved results over the years (if nothing is done, things could be much worst, right?), but i believe we can still do more as individials.
racist jokes, just like dirty jokes, will always be around as forms of entertainment, but as individuals, we have better know the threshold and stop just short of that.
i know too that sometimes, due to peer pressure, i join in these jokes as well, unknowingly, and feel guilty at the end of the day. but i know, that this is non-intentional, and i trust my brain to be smart enough to know when to stop, and when not to start.
this gotta change.
disturbed you at 11:16 PM
Wednesday, November 28, 2007
i look the way i have transformed over the past year and the people around me and feel a tinge of worry for the kind of people the education system and our family units are churning out today.
i used to do and say things that i feel passionately about. yet, what comes first to mind now is the practicality and rationality of the things that you do, rather than the flood of emotions that can make you feel so proud for standing firm on your feet. many behavioural scientists (7 habits of highly effective people) tells us that successful people know how to not to let their emotions control them. certainly, sometimes being so is good.
yet, when i see people taking on certain jobs for the cash rather than their love for the profession, i suddenly wonder where has passion gone. when i see organisations accepting these people after rounds of interview, i wonder what has the world come to.
and i see myself in danger of transforming into a typical singapore freak gunning for jobs, scholarships and award for the money, prestige and recognition, rather than passion.
disturbed you at 7:26 AM
Monday, November 26, 2007
returned to safti yesterday. my ulcer really hurts and it doesn't seem like it's healing at all.
and life returns to the old army days, with 5bx every morning (1.6km run inclusive). revillie at 5.30am and stuffs with no freedom to move about as and when you wish. it's kinda sucky but you've gotta adjust anyhow.
saw quite a few people today. like pakming, david etc. saw my tri-service buddy too, but he was no more than a person that just brushed past me. likewise, when my bmt friends came to talk to me, conversation was more of a burden than enjoyment.
time flies. and people change.
disturbed you at 7:00 AM
Saturday, November 24, 2007
and so i got my sword and received my trophy, which i think i'm never gonna see again for the rest for my life. for what i wonder.
it was a happy occasion but slightly marred by someone's obession with filiming and photograph taking. he must have felt so excited, as usual (like all parents) that he started filming wherever i walked and requested to take 100000 photographs at the museum, which wasn't really interesting except for a few planes (that looks similar) placed here and there. when unable to achieve what he wanted he grew frustrated and vented his vexations on his partner.
I remember when we travelled to China as a family, I can only managed a few steps before I stop to take some photographs. which really peeved me off because I was hoping to walk around and enjoy the breeze and scenery, rather then stop every now and then and miss the chance to really enjoy.
maybe i just wasn't as excited as he was.
disturbed you at 11:39 AM
Sunday, November 18, 2007
caught up with some friends over the internet and phone over the past few days. royston's getting som. qibo topped and got soh. pecklim's getting som at least i think. this kinda provoked some thoughts.
i look back at my life and realised that i have been number 2 to others all these while.
student council chairman: no. 2 to students' union president. 4As: no. 2 to those with S papers. venture cord & CCA: no. 2 to President's Scout Award. bmt: no. 2 to platoon best (even if i got platoon best, that'll be no. 2 to the company best). afst: just a few points away from no. 1 (4th on the standings). air force pro term: best trainee, no. 2 to SOH.
but if you choose to look from another angle, i have also been above the rest of the pack all these while.
i don't know which is the safer bet - to be satisfied with what i have, or to be unsatisfied all day long and force myself, albeit somewhat unwillingly, to achieve more.
disturbed you at 6:03 PM
Saturday, November 17, 2007
one dear friend of mine, who just had an unfortunate encounter with sluts/prostitutes/"i-wanna-have-sex-with-you-badlys", told me that these people are damn freaking good at what they're doing.
i don't know what i did that was enough to stop him from regretting tonight rather than regretting early tomorrow morning. but it's good to know that you helped prevent someone's life from being altered.
at the end of the day, some questions hang in my mind. why were sluts hired for a deepavali celebration in a training institution? was commander sleeping when he vetted this event? or was he part of the gang?
anyway, i received my plagues and certificate for my awards today. somehow i feel deeply unsatisfied that my award comes as a plague while my friends in army receives a sword of a different design. i know this is vain, but i mean, plagues just look less impressive than a specially engraved sword (pronounced s-ord).
and i made 2 friends today, whom i probably won't see for my entire life time. john and kuna. under the weirdest of circumstances.
good day.
disturbed you at 12:55 AM
Tuesday, November 13, 2007
the decision made by the commander has left many people, including myself disappointed. i only hope that he would be able to provide a strong enough reason to convince us. if not, i will totally lose hope in the RSAF.
slept at 2 yesterday to write this. some excerpts below:
"...I am not shy to deny that such joys have been somewhat marred, or subdued by some failures, especially in interpersonal relationships along the way. I’d realized that I have to accord part of the blame to myself for some of these failures, but after analyzing (over and over again) the things that happened, I couldn’t find a reason why I should not accord the other part of the blame to the other party/parties too. I am aware I am treading dangerously close to sounding ‘arrogant’ again, but I am consciously aware that I don’t mean to do so.
About interpersonal relationships
More often than I would have preferred, I was chided for “thinking that I know everything”. Instructors walked out of my slots claiming that it was a blatant show of disregard for the things I was taught. As time passed and such comments continued, you become kind of disillusioned and disorientated, unsure why people make such comments of you where you are a far cry from the person you thought you were. Achievements become nothing but a mere name when you realize that the person you thought you were is the one that people distaste.
I never meant to “think that I know everything”. I ever asked why people/someone thought so of me, but the first time I ever did so, Instructor A gave me such a reply, “Come on, if you’re smart enough, you’ll know why.” What I thought was a genuine effort to ask for opinions to understand what was wrong with me became a unfortunate case of ‘self-mystery-solving’. It made you, kind of, really disillusioned, because when you truly made an effort to improve yourself, you were not given the help that you required. This was basically the main reason why I don’t see the fault as entirely mine..."
"...One of the most memorable instances I had in the school was reading an email from Instructor A, which stated 2 rules that outlined pedagogy in Air Force School. It went, “Rule no. 1: Instructors are always right. Rule no. 2: follow rule no. 1.” ...
...Allow me to put forth a disclaimer: I am not in a position to say that by taking on a more welcoming attitude when being asked questions, instructors can create a more amicable learning environment to help us learn better. Yet, I believe that what I say here are truthful opinions shared by many from the ground. To us, it’ll really help if some instructors are more receptive to comments and questions. In my opinion, pedagogy using the 2 rules mentioned above as guiding stars is tantamount to ruling a nation with an iron fist. Despotic control creates either a sense of helplessness of resentment. Either way, it translates into more undesirable situations and I am sure we do not want this to happen to us, especially when we claim to be a “premier institution”....."
I am quite interested to see how commander responds to this on thursday. i'll be kinda disappointed if he didn't even take a look at all.
5 more weeks to commissioning. after which, i hope the next year will be much more fulfilling than this. of course, it's about time to set my sights elsewhere and put my effort on other more pertinent things, since i have almost surely lost hope in rsaf. perhaps it might be good to do more for the community? like help organise activities at MINDS or what, or find another home to help out in. or will it be better to start studying for university? take on a dentistry attachment? or start planning for the trip to japan/europe? well lots to think about in the next 3 weeks while hentak kakiing on the parade square.
disturbed you at 10:07 PM
Wednesday, November 7, 2007
it turned out that i wasn't even shortlisted in the end.
despite the innumerous uncertainties whether do i even deserve it, you get quite peeved when you are not even shortlisted just because you are a Not Significant Figure (NSF).
it peeves you off even more when someone else, out of nowhere, got shortlisted because he got a trememdously high score out of the blue.
i'm not going to lauch some emo crap here, but all my life, i have eschewed fairness. and when fairness comes into question in the context of the training school, the scores tells the best story. nobody manipulates the score for a start. if the scores clearly states that these are the 3 top scorers from each course, they should be pulled in into a interview panel (why is it the case that just because you are a Not Significant Figure, you don't get to enjoy such basic rights of fairness?) secondly, comments by individuals should be affect how the eventual judgement is made (i have this mental picture that krishna raj did something). these 3 people should be brought to a interview panel, where every single interviwer, let's say 5, will be given a score sheet, which will be tabulated for the average in the end. the mix of interviwers should even, basically, with an equal number of instructors from the different courses, to ensure that there is an equal representation throughout. (what happened for President's Scout Award should not happen again). Should any of the interviwees be unable to attend, the interview has to be called off, because representation is now uneven across the board. And if such is the case that one of the interviewers are away for a long period of time, a replacement has to be called in, to ensure fairness.
"it's not fair!"
yeah, but unfortunately, it's never fair in life. just like today, my efforts in making the animation became somebody else's effort. it's never fair.
hey, get up and move on, you've gotta be stronger than this, right?
disturbed you at 1:59 PM
Tuesday, November 6, 2007
early in the morning in the classroom now. ss back to his old self.
disturbed you at 8:01 AM
Monday, November 5, 2007
i'm blogging from the sim room now. cw and benji just happened to stay back and we're here "doing our work". i'm supposed to edit anand's speech but i can't see what else can i improve. anyway, it's his speech anyway. i'm not going to be some secretary in the president's office writing speech for people because it'll sound so unlike them, but more like me. it makes me wonder how many of the rallies that we hear are actually crafted entirely by the speaker himself.
anyway, i just came back from the afs idol competition. i must say that the event was very well done. yet in a way or another, this has made me feel very inferior. i can't see myself hosting an event on stage. i can't see myself being a people's magnet. i am just a quiet, slightly introverted, but quite hardworking young boy in the course. yet, i am to receive an award.
whatever way i can try to argue, we can never disagree that people are drawn towards external experssions of their capabalities. seen from the outside, i doubt people will ever regard me as a competent person. an award so what? people will never respect you if you are unable to portray that you are capable. which is a very sad thing because i believe that there are many people in the world who in fact possess great ability, which are unfortunately suppessed by their inability to reach out to the world. it's an antagonistic affair.
please understand dear. it's difficult to talk to you when there is immediate work to be done and more so when my course mate is just opposite me working too. i know that sometimes i committ the same mistake to you. but yeah, please understand.
disturbed you at 9:17 PM
Sunday, November 4, 2007
4 free days have gone by and it's back to work tomorrow. honestly, i am not exactly interested, or in a positive mental state to learn this and that about BOC tomorrow.
i promise to give you more, next time. i love you.
spent the most of the day working on the speech. i think it'll be quite a moving speech, or at least i hope so. the last thing i want is realising that people fall asleep when i'm speaking despite having put so much effort to craft this out. you might want to take a look:
___________________________________________________________________
“”””””As mentioned, competency, as the way we define, is the proficiency of the serviceman in his trade or craft. Not only that, he desires to build a solid foundation in his professional knowledge and skills and is constantly learning and upgrading in pursuit of excellence.”””””
Today, rather than sharing with all snippets in my Air Force School journey where I observed competency being displayed, which I find slightly presumptuous, I would like to share with all what I observed were factors that affected our training and development into a competent individual in Air Force School.
Alright, here it goes. I would like to divide these factors into 2 main categories, firstly “Individual”, secondly, “Learning environment, or group”.
Firstly, the individual. For this, I would like to cite the example of a certain friend of mine. Despite being chided all day long by instructors, and sometime friends alike, this man remained an active learner and became even more determined to prove his worth, much unlike many people who would have simply gave up and accepted the situation as a fact of life.
As I worked with him, I observed resilience. I found his ability to bounce back from the difficulties he faced admirable. I saw him listening actively and intently to peoples’ comments about him. He constantly used these comments to reflect upon his mistakes. To top if off, he became a disciplined and religious learner.
What I would like to illustrate in this example is simple. As an individual, we are responsible for adjusting ourselves internally to a condition where we are most suited to learning. That means, we are the ones who can most effectively motivate ourselves to work hard and learn. When faced with setbacks, we are the only ones who can pull ourselves together and look ahead. We are the ones who adjust our mental state into one that assimilates knowledge. In a nutshell, we affect our own learning.
Throughout my entire stay in Air Force School, I realized that individual responsibility is the greatest underlying factor that affects our competency development. As we train to become competent controllers, we have a responsibility to be proactive, assimilative and reflective. Without this, we will be unable to achieve greater heights. This responsibility, I believe, will eventually translate into skills that we pick up along the way. Such is the power of the individual.
Secondly, “the learning environment.” I think we can all find common ground that the learning environment can affect how well an individual learns. In my opinion, I believe that the Air Force School has provided us with a pretty conducive learning environment in terms of training aids, training facilities and quality instructors. Yet, this, in my opinion, is not enough.
My stay here has proved to me that a “group-based learning environment” is a major factor that affects our quest to become competent controllers. More often that not, we see trainees (especially ATC trainees), gathering in one’s bunk and revising on the day’s lessons. This has become a frequent event in the accommodation block as the course progressed. In such gatherings, knowledge held by individual trainees is shared to the group. At the end of the session, the entire group would have gained new knowledge from the sharing.
The above example that I’ve painted exemplifies the power of group learning. I’d compare this to a positive feedback cycle. Individual knowledge is shared, eventually resulting in an increase in individual knowledge across the board, which in turn, via further sharing sessions, results in more knowledge obtained by the individual.
In conclusion, I would like to just say that where or not we eventually become competent individuals depends on how far are we willing to work, either as an individual or a team. I believe that if we are able to put in substantial effort, we can eventually become PROFICIENT individuals with SOLID FOUNDATION IN OUR KNOWLEDGE and a LIFE-LONG LEARNER (AFS definition of competency)
Thank you VERY MUCH.
___________________________________________________________________
I'm glad that the animation turned up with positive response. it really feels good to have your efforts recognised.
it's about time to read up on the newspaper. okay this is what i plan to do. i've reading the newspaper daily (except for the past 4 days) and this is not enough. so i have decided to come up with my own views about the issues. it's about time to gain back the intellect lost during our wonderful army days. so, stay tuned (haha nobody watches this anyway!).
disturbed you at 9:25 PM
Saturday, November 3, 2007
just finished working on the animation that i've volunteered to do. i sent the work to all stating that "it may look a little too kiddy and if taking out the whole idea of the animation is better, go ahead". in fact, i can't stop hoping that they will just accept the work, because i've spent the past 2 days on this and i'll just crumble internally if the work goes to waste.
there has been rumours that i am the best trainee. i find it strangely symbolic that i heard the rumours at somebody's wake. perhaps it's a signal that i don't deserve the award. somehow when i look at people's expression as they pass the rumours, i can feel them seething with anger, crying foul and injustice. even when now it has become clear that i've achieved what i've wanted dearly for the past few months, i don't know if i'll be happy afterall.
disturbed you at 2:39 AM
Friday, November 2, 2007
anyway, i shifted away from livejournal to blogspot to make this little haven look more aesthetically appealing. the number of free template available for livejournal users is pathetically little.
at least now it looks quite decent.
driving was horrible today. i think i made 5 or 6 mistakes that results in immediate failure. failing to stop when the traffic light turned red (i don't know what i was thinking, i almost shrieked my lungs out), failing to stop when people are about to cross the zebra crossing (the zebra crossing was built on a slope, and i had so much trouble trying to get up the slope on gear 1 that when i finally managed to do it, i decided to barge across the zebra crossing so that i don't have to stop again), and stopping in the yellow crossed box because a long bus was in front of me and i couldn't brake in time. traffic was surprisingly heavy at 10.00am. yan ling, good luck, but i still think that civillians post more of a threat than cars (interestingly, today i saw 3 cars that overshot the white line before the traffic light. it's quite a rare sight, so perhaps this is sign that this is a special date.)
i've off to anand grandma's wake now. have not completed the animation that i volunteered myself to do and neither did i touch the speech i have to give next wednesday. oh well, i guess it's all about prioritisation (famous quote from AFS)
disturbed you at 3:50 PM
it's been quite some time again.
i guess it's been because i have become too lazy to do self-reflection. or perhaps i have never been doing so for most of my life and now i don't know how to start again. so much unlike the self-delivered commends that i present to the interviewers for scholarship interview s or for penned down in my university applications.i think i have lost my self-identity. and i think this is a dangerous thing. for most of my life, i pride myself as an individual who lives life with a set of principles. and for most of the time, i felt defined. i felt that i had a backbone and was living life the correct way. (my correct way).
i think all the "hard work" put in to become the best trainee and the sword of honour have certainly aggravated this. looking back at all the things i have done during the course, i realised that I have often spoke for the sake of speaking. but it was natural instinct for me to speak up because somehow i felt threatened whenever Mr. SMS (sms in every way, from smsing girlfriend to smsing instructors to getting sms) spoke too much or decided for himself that he was the course's spokesman (what happened to the weekly i/c and course i/c?). Natural instinct eh? (ah you think if you can't control yourself people will sympathize with you huh. so is it your fault or my fault huh?). it must be all the "i wanna be the best-trainee" attitude that i have suscribed myself to since I have come into the force. i don't want to lose out. but at the end of the day have I lost myself?
what do i do now i am not exactly sure. since the course's coming to an end and the best-trainee will be made known within days, i shall just wait and see and life continues from there.
today i was humbled in front of all during end-of-course-debrief. mr sms became spokesman again and in a rash move i spoke up against the emart when i had barely been listening to the entire presentation (hormonal surge). true enough, and i hang my head in shame, i have concluded that the the issue with the emart was childish at best. and i'd better think before i speak up next time.
i read up emotionalkid.blogspot.com from july to october (i'm on a 4 days leave, so i'm quite free now) and found myself named as the "SEOW guy playing guitar at the corridor at 11.01 pm without any tune". true true. being a noob at something is really something very difficult to contend with.
anyhow if this blog goes public one day, allow me to put up a disclaimer: I have absolutely nothing against mr r. now and everything that was said before was said in a flash of anger that turned my mind incoherent and warped.