Monday, May 26, 2008


i really think i should start making full use of my time rather than spend hours fixated on pointless tasks (for example, helping some engineer solve a computer system that's nothing more than a white elephant).

after the 2 key events were over life started to lose direction and i think i've better set it back on track before crying over lost time in the near future.

the aftermath of asia's twin tragedies brought forth many initiatives by those unaffected around the world. admirably, many youth in singapore have also embarked on their own little efforts to bring help for those in desperate need in myanmar and sichuan. vjc held a rock concert to raise funds the burmese, one of my scout seniors initiated a project to pack food items for the burmese storm victims, and on a separate note, another intends to set up his own NGO as a umbrella body for all NGO's around (lofty aim, but certainly still worth a try). with these examples in mind i think it's high time i stop doing senseless, unproductive tasks but instead put focus what i can do to improve the livelihood of those in need, however small the efforts are. i wanted a rest after the vesak day event, but there's still several projects in the pipeline that needs planning and coordination so i've gotta put myself back on track to get them done. Bowling and dragonboat for the pwids, and dustbin/mural painting in the constituency for them just to list a few. i guess these are the little things i wish to see done in singapore before i leave for studies next year. and in london, if time permits, these efforts shall continue.

the marathons are lining themselves up on my schedule too. sundown, AHM and standard chartered. maybe a few more in the middle. yesterday night i ran from home to khatib, and back to yishun. soon i'll venture all the way down to hwachong from home, or even further than that. but for a start, i need to find a running mate else the runs are going to be boring. 40km a week is what i aim for. it sounds highly impossible, but i shall give in a try nonetheless.

and there's still guitar, japanese and scouts. i don't know how much i can achieve in music over the next year but i expect myself to be able to put up a little performance or so. JLPT 3 this year end for japanese and for scouts...i've gotta sit down with the mates to see how much i can contribute, given the limitations of time and of course...a deep preference to play soccer with my former classmates on saturdays morning rather than be at scouts.

there are many more things in the list. i shall list them down for the sake of reference in the future.

1. finish more books. Jane Eyre for now. pardon the choice...that's the best that i have now. Change of Heart by jodi next, maybe.
2. pick up golf and maybe a racket sport. (i don't think tennis's my cup of tea despite my interest. but maybe i can give it a try again)
3. cable-skiing,water-skiing, wakeboarding, fishing, prolly at a indonesian resort with a few mates (take time off in july after wisdom tooth surgery?)
4. fly off to japan
5. learn how to use my lumix fx-18 professionally.
6. refine my culinary skills. i haven't cooked for too long a time. before i leave i shall master my favourite delicacies, like bah kut teh, fried fish soup, sambal stingray. shall pick up baking, spaghetti, and grilling too.

looks like i've gotta start planning ahead now.

disturbed you at 6:28 PM

Saturday, May 24, 2008


at the stroke of the hour i am 20 years and 1 day old. i have clocked another day in my life and i really hope i can stay happy than to waste another day feeling unnecessarily melancholic.

barely 2 months have passed but things have not been all that good thus far. i can see the effort put in but these efforts become palpably perceivable then i think it calls for concern. they become perceivable because what was once natural - like going the extra mile for one another - becomes a weary and dreary task. i would definitely love to see less practicalities come into play but more irrational, inexplicable things done, but perhaps i gotta get myself back to that frame of mind before i can ask for anything in return huh?

part of today's post-soccer talk brought up the topic of solitude. in a way or another, i feel sorry for people like feona and wun leeng because they perpetually end up in our random teases and jokes. today feeona was centre of the discussion again, when someone in the gang commented how in 400 facebook photos 300 of them were individual shots while the rest were scenery. and you imply that: she's as lonely as ever. it's easy to laugh and joke along but i guess when you really sit down and think about it again, how do we know that she's not having a good time being by herself? it might seem natural for human beings to crave company but that's because it's the societal norm. when mr ling brought up about the issue of 'quality of life' for the intellectually disabled, it suddenly occurred to me that as individuals we have little right to say that other people are not having a hell of a time being the way they are, unless we personally relate to them or to be more accurate, is part of them. for the PWIDs, it's difficult for us to know because we can never really be like them. like wise for feeeona, we will never know because we are never going to be her. maybe, unlike all others, she really prefers to be alone than to be within the din of friend's company?

with that in mind, i shall now attempt make as little remarks about others as possible and resist the temptations of snapping back at gehry whenever he goes back to the mode of racial indiscrimination, which i think is his fatal flaw rather than racial discrimination.

disturbed you at 11:43 PM


and so i have turned 20. i can no longer write a 1 at the front when filling the age column in forms like what i have been doing for the past 10 years. every year this day gets a little more subdued but i guess this is just how things function as you grow older, fortunately or unfortunately.

i have no grand aims for myself for the next year except for that I really do wish to remain strong in all that I do and plan to do. i've gotta redefine my aims and stay focused towards these targets despite the disorientation caused by serving time in the armed forces. put it simply, i really do want to become a better person, but it takes tremendous courage and self-determination to actually do so. it's always tempting and comfortable to take the easy way out, but i guess that's not the right way to go, isn't it?

so i've gotta keep these 3 words - courage, focus and determination - at the back of my mind wherever i go. for now i shall turn to my bed and ponder over my aims for the next year. and tomorrow, if things were planned, and they go according to plan, i shall celebrate this day in a more light hearted fashion, like the way it should be.

disturbed you at 12:33 AM

Thursday, May 22, 2008


i'm beginning to wonder just how long more can i go on like this.

it's fading away and i don't really feel anything anymore.

disturbed you at 11:47 PM

Friday, May 2, 2008


when one out of the two has shifting priorities and shifting dreams, just how far further can they go on?

when do you draw the line? before or after the string breaks free?

disturbed you at 12:03 AM

Thursday, May 1, 2008


amazing how things can turn upside down in just a few minutes.

is love also acceptance? yes this is some emo-shit because i am fucking emo right now. since god knows how long ago i've never been a person in for niceties like my brother. i can't go "wow the food you cooked is damn fucking nice" because it is just so damn unnatural for me. i can't go "ahhhh i help you massage your foot because it's so pain" partially because i am so busy these days and i need time for myself and also because i just can't make myself say it. it's just unnatural, even though you guys are my parents. sometimes i wonder if living with my aunty for the first 7 years was the cause of this. the nature vs nurture thing. for 7 years i was brought up by another person rather than my parents. no doubt, i feel easier saying niceties to my aunty (not that i say alot actually, but it just feels more natural). perhaps that's why. perhaps it's true that parental bonds are formed from the first day your child is born. hiring a nanny or getting your parents to take care of your child for the first few years will only pull these bonds apart even before they have been fully gelled together. i will not let this happen to my children.

but if that's the way i am, and i think i am, why can't i just be accepted as the way i am? nevertheless, over the years i have understood that showing a black face (unknowingly) most of time will only scare people away from me. so these days i have been trying to let my hair down a little. take part in games. start communicating with people. start being friendlier, start being nicer in a way or another. outside of home, i guess these efforts have gone to fruition in some way or another. but no one can escape this given fact, that the foundation is hard to breach. perhaps at home i go back to my old self, despite some efforts to make things better. all i hope is a pat on the back and a simple compliment that goes "we'll accept the way you are, i know you've been trying."

but i've never heard any of these things in my life so far. while i try to remain close to the heart of this family, my eyes have been looking out all these while. and i don't want to be the one solely at blame for this, because i am not.

disturbed you at 7:51 PM


and so PUB contacted me on Monday to inform me that they will be offering the scholarship. the details are yet unknown but the HR manager claimed that it is an overseas award, which gives me the ticket to London. i shan't be too excited for now, until i receive the details (just in case, lo and behold, the HR manager made a mistake. shit always happens in these applications. i'm thoroughly amazed how one can get rejected for medicine just because his surname starts with Z and the administrators forgot to schedule him for an interview).

even if the claim turned out true, i guess i will still need to give the offer a thorough consideration before making the final decision. working in the water industry was never really part of my plans till recently, and i'm afraid that i'm merely jumping onto the bandwagon - and as such, a disaster looms in the shadow. but nonetheless, the industry does have it's special attractions as well, especially the sense of purpose and satisfaction one can receive by working for a particular cause. In this case, water is of immediate concern to all living beings, hence the added X-factor. more importantly, the professional skills acquired from chemical engineering can be put into relevant use. i just hope that i have the brains for engineering - the immense amount of calculations and physics concepts required appears to be quite daunting as well.

there are several what-ifs still. What if I fail do do well in London? What if I fail to fit into the British culture? What if I come back and find myself ill-competent for the job? at the end of the day, i guess these questions cannot be fully answered for now and i shall leave it to time to find the appropriate answers. All i need to do, i reckon, is to work hard, keep and open mind and continue to learn along the way.

i have been getting quite busy of late and it reminds of the times in Secondary 3 when I had to juggle council commitments and school work. i never had more than 5h of sleep for the entire year i guess. amazingly i still made it into the top 6 in my class despite being 2nd last in the final quarter of the year. i am certainly busy, but i have gotten scared of being idle so...that's a good thing in a way.

Upcoming tasks
13th May - SQN stuffs
9th May- Decision to PUB
19th May - Vesak Day
31st May - Sundown Marathon
and jap, MINDS, guitar, and econs study still goes on.

disturbed you at 6:39 PM