Wednesday, October 22, 2008


'i've been thinking about growing up, and how people goes on divergent tracks when that happens. it feels kind of...sad.'

when i look around i see friends striving to pursue different dreams that they have formed for themselves - setting up their own businesses, doing humanitarian deeds, forming their own musical bands. it feels like a incessant chain of people knocking on your door, asking, 'so what have you done to live your dream?' you contrive to give an answer, but your mind's blank, because in truth there is no answer. there is no truthful answer. it feels kind of sad. for me, this is why growing up feels kind of miserable, not because you're leaving the past and a group of great people behind, but because the future sucks all the air out of the room, leaving you gagged, suffocated, flailing for help.

i am still not entirely sure what i am living for. the closest i have come to is to do well enough to feed myself and you. but this sounds miserably bland still. i have been helping the community, i have earned for myself a scholarship, i have secured a job for my gap year, and i have secured a place in university. but are all these fillers that forms parts of life's 'natural progression'. they're 'natural'. they're not special at all.

i have just finished reading the kite runner. it brings back memories of my childhood days, filled with empty pockets like bullet-ridden walls that are left behind to crumble. despite the future coming fast at me, i still earnestly yearn for a memorable childhood at times. a playmate to fly the kite with, someone to play table tennis with, someone whom i get into fights together with, someone to share our unadulterated joy. but there was little of it, or even none. i realise that i am leaving behind an empty past, to welcome a future which is nothing more than an empty sheet of paper that requires serious embellishment. and the tools to do so are locked.

finding a dream, i presume, shall be the key to unlock them.

disturbed you at 12:46 AM

Monday, October 20, 2008


there's something missing these days. a sense of accomplishment.

disturbed you at 6:22 PM