Friday, November 2, 2007
it's been quite some time again.
i guess it's been because i have become too lazy to do self-reflection. or perhaps i have never been doing so for most of my life and now i don't know how to start again. so much unlike the self-delivered commends that i present to the interviewers for scholarship interview s or for penned down in my university applications.i think i have lost my self-identity. and i think this is a dangerous thing. for most of my life, i pride myself as an individual who lives life with a set of principles. and for most of the time, i felt defined. i felt that i had a backbone and was living life the correct way. (my correct way).
i think all the "hard work" put in to become the best trainee and the sword of honour have certainly aggravated this. looking back at all the things i have done during the course, i realised that I have often spoke for the sake of speaking. but it was natural instinct for me to speak up because somehow i felt threatened whenever Mr. SMS (sms in every way, from smsing girlfriend to smsing instructors to getting sms) spoke too much or decided for himself that he was the course's spokesman (what happened to the weekly i/c and course i/c?). Natural instinct eh? (ah you think if you can't control yourself people will sympathize with you huh. so is it your fault or my fault huh?). it must be all the "i wanna be the best-trainee" attitude that i have suscribed myself to since I have come into the force. i don't want to lose out. but at the end of the day have I lost myself?
what do i do now i am not exactly sure. since the course's coming to an end and the best-trainee will be made known within days, i shall just wait and see and life continues from there.
today i was humbled in front of all during end-of-course-debrief. mr sms became spokesman again and in a rash move i spoke up against the emart when i had barely been listening to the entire presentation (hormonal surge). true enough, and i hang my head in shame, i have concluded that the the issue with the emart was childish at best. and i'd better think before i speak up next time.
i read up emotionalkid.blogspot.com from july to october (i'm on a 4 days leave, so i'm quite free now) and found myself named as the "SEOW guy playing guitar at the corridor at 11.01 pm without any tune". true true. being a noob at something is really something very difficult to contend with.
anyhow if this blog goes public one day, allow me to put up a disclaimer: I have absolutely nothing against mr r. now and everything that was said before was said in a flash of anger that turned my mind incoherent and warped.