Friday, December 21, 2007
when you're too free you start thinking too much for your own good. unanswered and unanswerable questions like "what should i do when i after i ord" and "whether will i be successful next time" start cramming your brain and leave you teteering on the brink of insanity.
these questions are not exactly 'unanswerable' but i am too confused and too unsure right now to provide a good and sustained under for myself and others who ask. a few months ago i was so sure that i wanted to do medicine, so sure that that was the place i would find myself rightfully belong to and so sure that that was the place where i would find purpose and meaning in whatever i do. failing to achieve a place in med school kinda threw me into absolute uncertainty. truth be told, i don't really have many other interests. my interest in scientific research is worth nothing more than the occasional 'wows' at certain new inventions i read from the economist or the newspaper. neither do i possess a glib tongue for a lawyer nor a ambitious yet attractive personality good for doing business. needless to say, the creative juices for an engineering career are nowhere to be found within myself.
that leaves me with nothing much to choose from, or rather, nothing to choose from.
over the past few months this has become a worrying situation. i realised that eventually i have to work somewhere. undeniably, such desperate thoughts have made me consider the prospects of putting pen to paper for a military career but i was lucky enough to be calm and conscious enough not to do so.
therein lies the problem of uncertainty. when you're uncertain about something, you begin asking more questions that most of the time, unfortunately, only suffice to make you more confused. for example, in this case, you would start asking questions like "what if i don't like what i study halfway through the course" and "what if my wife earns more than me" and more often than not, there will not be answers readily available for them unless you have experienced them.
right now, i have kinda convinced myself that i wish to work in the healthcare/environment sector. i am quite (yeah...quite) convinced that that is where i will find most sense and purpose in what i do. much better than controlling aircraft in the circuit and conjuring new and better plans to kill people. at least that's where i can do my part for other people around me. an idealistic notion, but not a senseless one.
so dentistry? chemical engineering (biotechonology/environmental engineering)?
give me some more time, or perhaps fate can help me decide.
disturbed you at 12:30 AM