Thursday, May 1, 2008
amazing how things can turn upside down in just a few minutes.
is love also acceptance? yes this is some emo-shit because i am fucking emo right now. since god knows how long ago i've never been a person in for niceties like my brother. i can't go "wow the food you cooked is damn fucking nice" because it is just so damn unnatural for me. i can't go "ahhhh i help you massage your foot because it's so pain" partially because i am so busy these days and i need time for myself and also because i just can't make myself say it. it's just unnatural, even though you guys are my parents. sometimes i wonder if living with my aunty for the first 7 years was the cause of this. the nature vs nurture thing. for 7 years i was brought up by another person rather than my parents. no doubt, i feel easier saying niceties to my aunty (not that i say alot actually, but it just feels more natural). perhaps that's why. perhaps it's true that parental bonds are formed from the first day your child is born. hiring a nanny or getting your parents to take care of your child for the first few years will only pull these bonds apart even before they have been fully gelled together. i will not let this happen to my children.
but if that's the way i am, and i think i am, why can't i just be accepted as the way i am? nevertheless, over the years i have understood that showing a black face (unknowingly) most of time will only scare people away from me. so these days i have been trying to let my hair down a little. take part in games. start communicating with people. start being friendlier, start being nicer in a way or another. outside of home, i guess these efforts have gone to fruition in some way or another. but no one can escape this given fact, that the foundation is hard to breach. perhaps at home i go back to my old self, despite some efforts to make things better. all i hope is a pat on the back and a simple compliment that goes "we'll accept the way you are, i know you've been trying."
but i've never heard any of these things in my life so far. while i try to remain close to the heart of this family, my eyes have been looking out all these while. and i don't want to be the one solely at blame for this, because i am not.
disturbed you at 7:51 PM